First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
