we're chasing vodka with high fives
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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