If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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