Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
