Just cropdusted the office
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
