He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
