all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
