Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
