Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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