my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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