i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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