I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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