I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
