so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
