at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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