I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
