U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Even my vagina gasped.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
