i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
