My liver just broke up with me...
i barfeds in our rink
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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