I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
