I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
