dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
