I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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