why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
