I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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