Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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