At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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