If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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