Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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