i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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