I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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