no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
