I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
