You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
