In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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