I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
