You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
