Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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