I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
