I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
