do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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