Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
