I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I checked into jail on foursquare
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Randomize
