i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
