Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
