you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
