Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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