like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He did a backflip because drugs
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
