he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
