I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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