I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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